Imagine this.

You’re in the middle of a heartfelt tête-à-tête with your daughter when her eyes dart to her phone’s screen to see whether there are any new texts.

Or your spouse reaches for their phone when it buzzes, right in the middle of your conversation about (bills, taking out the garbage, the state of your marriage, etc.). One—or both—of you get annoyed.

Sound familiar? Sadly, it happens all too often in today’s world. It’s a nasty modern habit called “phubbing,”

What is Phubbing?

Everything needs a clever name these days and often it’s a combination of existing words. Brangelina. Benifer. (They don’t always last.)

Now we have “phubbing,” a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing,” the act of ignoring someone you’re with in favor of your mobile phone. It’s increasingly common and it’s putting noses out of joint across all age groups.

Before you snort in derision, yes, phubbing is a real social-psychological behavioral issue. At the end of last year, The New York Times put “Beware of Phubbing” in third place on its list of “9 Ways to Improve Your Relationships in 2024.”

It has aroused the interest of behavioral researchers

The practice of phubbing has become an emerging area of interest of researchers around the world. Since phones moved from our desks to almost constantly being in our hands, we use them rather neurotically, even during what researchers call “co-present interactions.”

Between 2012, the year in which the term ‘phubbing’ appears, and January 2020, 84 English-language articles on the topic were published in peer-reviewed journals.

It’s not unique to any individual country or culture and is growing and spreading as smartphone ownership climbs. Think about this: in 2015 there were 4.53 smartphone users worldwide. As of June 2024, there are approximately 7.21 billion. That number is projected to grow to 8 billion by 2028.

Phubbing is a byproduct of social media

An article published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction reported on an investigation into the factors and consequences of phubbing. Researchers found that phubbing is tied to addictions to social media, mobile phones, gaming, and the Internet.

Problematic smartphone and social media use is especially rampant among young people. The “typical” social media user now spends 2 hours and 23 minutes per day using social platforms.

The Digital Global Overview Report published in January 2024 noted there were 5.04 billion social media users at the start of 2024, equating to 62.3 percent of the world’s total population. The 266 million new users in 2023 equals an average increase of 8.4 new users every single second.

Why do people become phubbers? Neuroticism and fear of missing out (FOMO) were the leading psychological behaviors common to phubbers. Sadly, women are more likely than men to engage in the phubbing habit.

Are you guilty of phubbing?

As women over 60 we are more likely to be phubbed than to phub. Still, you would be the rare person who doesn’t glance at their phone from time to time when in a meeting or a close conversation.

You might be waiting for a text from your doctor, or you need to check whether the train is on schedule. That’s normal.

But if it becomes a habit, an automatic reflex to see if there’s a new post on Facebook or video on TikTok, that’s when problems arise. Even though we are less likely than younger generations to become phubbers, it’s a good idea to be aware of our behavior.

How to tell if you’re phubbing

1. Do you often check your phone during face-to-face conversations?
2. Have you ever missed part of a conversation because you were distracted by your phone?
3. Is your phone always within arm’s reach, even during meals or social gatherings?
4. Do you find yourself responding to messages or scrolling through social media when spending time with loved ones?
5. Have your friends or family members ever commented on your phone use during social interactions?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then yes, you’re probably guilty of phubbing.

Here’s why phubbing can sabotage your relationships

You might think, “It’s just a quick glance at my phone. What’s the harm?” Well, those “quick glances” can add up to significant relationship damage over time.

Research shows that when people have a conversation without their smartphone around,  they feel more connected, have more productive conversations, and are happier. At the end of the day, we feel more empathy and connection when our smartphones are put away. However, the mere presence of mobile phones can interfere with your connection to the other person and the quality of the conversation, particularly when individuals are discussing personally meaningful topics.

Genuine, deep conversations require your presence and active listening. Glancing at your phone interrupts this process, making it difficult to keep the flow of conversation, grasp important issues, or pick up on subtle emotional cues.

When individuals are “phubbed,” or ignored in favor of someone’s smartphone, they often experience a range of negative emotions and psychological effects.

When you choose your phone over the person you are with, you’re essentially saying, “What’s on my screen is more important than you.” This can leave your loved ones feeling undervalued and hurt.

Over time your spouse, friends, or adult children may feel less inclined to share their thoughts and feelings with you if you are constantly distracted (like a dog with a squirrel).  And it can lead to arguments and resentment, especially if they feel consistently ignored or undervalued.

Breaking the phubbing habit

Let’s look at how to break this habit and repair any feelings that may have been hurt.

• Make a conscious effort to give people your full attention. Your friends and family will likely appreciate this and may even follow suit. It will help you resist the temptation to check every beep from your phone.
• Set phone-free zones and times. Designate certain areas of your home (like the dining table) and certain times of the day (like during meals or family gatherings) as phone-free. This helps create spaces for undistracted interaction.
• Be aware of your movements. Before reaching for your phone when you are with others, pause and ask yourself, “Is it urgent?” If not, it can probably wait until later. If you are expecting an important call or text you could give the person you’re with a heads up. That way the interruption won’t be disrespectful.
• Put your phone down. It is possible to get through an hour without it.

If you realize your phubbing has strained some of your relationships, take these steps to mend fences.

1. Apologize in the moment. As soon as you recognize what you have done, apologize for ignoring the other person. A heartfelt “I’m sorry” can go a long way.
2. Make an effort to be present. Show that you care about the other person by giving your full attention during interactions. Put your phone away—in your purse, in another room, or just upside down on the table. Make eye contact, listen actively, and engage in the conversation without looking at your phone.
3. Be patient. Remember that rebuilding trust and connection takes time. Stay consistent in your efforts, and your relationships will likely strengthen as a result.

What if you feel you’re being phubbed?

Now that you know what phubbing is, you might realize you’ve been phubbed more than once. It’s not as bad as being slimed in Ghostbusters, but corrective steps should be taken. Here are some ideas for dealing with the situation.

• Call Out the Behavior: Politely point out the distraction by saying something like, “You seem a bit distracted.” This can help make the person aware of their behavior without escalating tension.
• Pause and Wait: When you notice that someone is engrossed in their phone, simply stop talking. This pause may prompt them to return their attention to you and resume your conversation.
• Use Humor: Light-hearted comments can diffuse the situation. For instance, say something playful like, “Is that Mick Jagger on the line?”
• Ask Directly: If the behavior persists, you might ask, “Is everything okay? I noticed you’re looking at your phone a lot.”
• Set Boundaries: Set up “no phone zones” during certain activities, like meals or conversations.
• Walk Away: If phubbing continues despite your efforts, it may be best to excuse yourself from the situation.
• Model Good Behavior: Put your own phone away during conversations. This sets a standard and may encourage the other person to reciprocate.
• Communicate Your Feelings: If phubbing becomes a frequent issue, have an honest conversation about how it affects you. Use “I” statements to express feelings without placing blame, such as “I feel ignored when you check your phone while we’re talking.”

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Blue Hare is an online magazine for women over 60
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